so sorry for the delay, have had computer problems, just got new computer. Alisha is living in a personal care home for an indefinite period. Her eating disorder and getting to the point that she was severly dehydrated and malnurished has caused some brain damage, vision problems and shaking of her right hand and leg at times as well as some memory lapse. She should be able to attend the atlanta tori show and possibly the meet and great if the plans for one of her nurses going with her developes. She will not however be able to travel to any more of the shows. Please send her a card or letter if you can to cheer her, she would GREATLY appreciate it, her address is Alisha Parker, 4312 Glen Heights Way, Snellville, Ga 30039. I will update the post here as her conditions hopefully improves, thanks for all your interest, bobby parker, bparkers2003@yahoo.com

This is Alisha's dad, she asked me to update her friends here. She has been hospitialized since last Saturday, after collapsing in her apt. due to malnutrition and dehydration from her anorexia. She has suffered some brain damage affecting her vision, muscle control, memory and concentration. We hope these symptions will get better as time goes by. She should be dismissed from hospital any day now and go to a personal care home for rehab. She most likely will not have internet access while there. I will post the mailing address asap if anyone wants to mail her encouragement. If anyone wants to email her at my email, bparkers2003@yahoo.com , i will be able to print out the response and get it to her. I will post updates as soon as i can. Bobby Parker

I got a funny feeling to call Daddy a few minutes ago and Nanny had passed away a few minutes prior. She struggled and was in a kot of pain. I am sobbing even knowing she's better off. I told her I' see her today. I told her...

*sobs*

I was closest to her and...*cries more*

If anyone wants to call (just putting it here because someone asked me: it's (770) 265-6928. I can't promise to not be a sobbing mess but I'll try.

I need to go now. The computer screen is blurry.

I have just returned from the hospital where my Nanny's life is slowly ending. They are moving her to another floor where Morphine can almost constantly be administered and she rest in peace. Her lungs are filling with fluid very rapidly and it is becoming more difficult for her to breathe; severe chest pains plague her as well. Daddy is staying at the hospital overnight and I am going back in the morning. Thankfully, she has been lucid enough several times to have small exchanges and conversations. She even asked about the apartment (that will be mine in a few weeks) yesterday and knows I am coming back in the morning.

I need to go to bed in order to do the aforementioned and know my name. I am already deprived, also having obviously cancelled/moved yoga to Monday. Nanny is going downhill so fast, I don't know if she will make it until then.

Love you all.

I just received a phone call from my Dad. He could only speak briefly but did manage to convey that in an hour or so, Mama will be released from the hospital to spend the New Year rightfully at home. And I am not there. I will be 3 hours away, sleeping. Anyway, I spoke with her this afternoon and the vomiting and fever subsided last night; they were just waiting for the phelobotomist to come by and draw bloodwork that would clear her. Coronary-wise, she is just as sick with the Congestive Heart Failure and tearfully has the promise thus far of an abbreviated life span. I don't know how to deal with the fact she won't live to see many things, many events in our families' lives. She still has so much living to do. She's too young. But that's what they all say, isn't it? ...

8:32 P.M. EDIT: I spoke with Mama about half an hour ago on their way home. She is in good spirits, glad to be going home but very tired. She asked why I regretted coming back up here a week earlier than planned when Lisa is not even in town to help me. (Stupid!) I said loneliness and boredom and missing her. She thought it was sweet but what she didn't understand is that, to me, right now I am missing her. I am missing her breathe, her heart skip. And I couldn't be more sorry.

My dad is bringing her home now. The I.V. people will be out soon to show us how to work that. We moved their bed into the living room to allow for visitors coming possibly to say their goodbyes. There is a dilemma: I can go back after cancelled Christmas or New Year's and either way I guess I just feel if I leave her to go back to NC after the New Year, I am somehow abandoning her. What if something else happens? I just feel bad if I go home early, which was before New Year's. A miserable one for sure.

Kabbalah says this is " a challenge." Challenge my ass. "Challenge" was to keep going up there even though I saw the living ghost of Larry around almost every corner; it was watching her grab ger oxygen because she couldn't breathe. Those were "challlenges"--not, Your "Mother may Not Be Alive This Time Next Year."

Anyway, I've rambled enough. I'm just reaching my breaking point and If one thing being Lisa not going to be there, I'll stay here until after the New Year. I'll manage. Thr minute she's back and Daddy can take me, as much as I get lonely, I am back up there and I think Lisa knew it before I wrote it, as well as I needed to hear I am loved. And be insured everyone, the prayers are very appreciated and needed.

My parents had a long talk with the cardiologist and her heart is in bad shape and not going to get any better. He suspects it has worsened over the past week so tomorrow, they will do another echocardiogram as well as put a catheter in her arm that leads directly to her heart so she can receive antibiotics that way. She may come home Friday and whenever she does a nurse will come to our house indefinitely to help care for the catheter and monitor her heart. She is just doing a lot worse than anyone really thought or expected. It hit her tonight and she just sobbed, my dad said. I, myself am in shock, still, over the entire thing. It seems so unreal. Not MY Mama, but it's true. She's slowly dying and going downhill faster than anyone, doctors included, projected.

Daddy's boss is making him come in to work, hence my not being at the hospital right now.

They did the heart cath yesterday and our fears were confirmed: Only 30% of her heart is pumping and it can only do that for so long. Best case scereio would have been a blockage that could have been removed, or even open heart, Daddy says, as she would have recovered, but all they can do for the remainder of an abbreviated life span is advise against stress and give her Olestra pills.

They want to do an endoscopy because she's slightly anemic and they need to see where that blood is coming from so she'll be in the hospital for a couple more days (it's moment-to-moment). She also has infections. After they are cleared, she will come home to live what little life she has left.

And there's your update.

my mom had a heart attack. she might die.i am not lying. my dad has me "bringing good clothes."

MY MOM MAY DIE.

at the best, half her heart will be decayed. my dad waited til he got here to tell me.

i have to go.

if you pray, pray...

Just the lyrics to a little something special composed in April:


"matches and water
i forgot the way i was
supposed to leave
seeing red

wave goodbye
(wave goodbye)

we're all in empty
picture frames
my face is grey as the glass
only glass
fingertips touched the frame
there is no

and they say i must come to terms
i must wave goodbye (wave goodbye)
after you were inside (inside) me

i felt you whispering
i felt you
pen and paper don't do justice
to this experience in rainbow black and white
in rainbow black and white

shards of glass break in my mind
they say wave goodbye (wave goodbye)
take one last photo
two weeks (two weeks) too late
wave goodbye
wave goodbye
over your shoulder and through your eyes
wave goodbye (wave goodbye)
over your shoulder (over your shoulder)
wave goodbye (wave goodbye)
a nice surprise
wave goodbye
wave goodbye
(wave goodbye)"

*pops Vicodin*

Yes, my dear friends, I have been prescribed Vicodin to deal with increased severe wrist pain originating from a fall on slipped ice this past January. I have also been given an order for another x-ray, fearing there is a break caused by Osteopenia or early-onset Osteoporosis. I am obviously to cut down on any piano playing and typing. Don't worry though--I'll still be around reading and tossing in sarcastic asides. ;)

On a serious and kind note, today marks the anniversary of something very unpleasant that occurred eleven years ago. Lisa knew this and showed up at my front door with a gift: a pumpkin gingerbread scented candle. The gesture was so sweet and thoughtful--even this is unmentioned by family--so this warms my heart when so much of my life feels so cold.

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